So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
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You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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