The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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