My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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