my phone needs a breathalizer
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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