i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize