plz talk dirty to me
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
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My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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