I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
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Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
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Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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