He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
