Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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