My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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