you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize