Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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