theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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