I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you had me at cake vodka
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Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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