Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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