Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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