omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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