when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize