Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
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He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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