I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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