its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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