hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
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I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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