and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, be my cock's hype man.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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