What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
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The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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