This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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