why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize