You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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