So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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