I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize