I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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