It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize