There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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