I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
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honey bunches of taint.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
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He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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