My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
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i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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