She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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