I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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