i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
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Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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