I need to stop coming to work sober
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's always time for handjobs
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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