I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize