Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My pussy is not your playground.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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