fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
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My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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