A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
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its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
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