Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
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I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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