If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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