Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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