Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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