I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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