She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just blew my weed a kiss
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize