just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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