I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
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I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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